Things that will never be

warning: potential berbulu post ahead~!!

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somehow i don't know how it all started, what i remember is how a proper conversation can suddenly twist it's objectives and be the total opposite of what it actually was. my mood shattered, my emotions disturbed. i could not hold back the tears. somehow i wish i was 3 months back where i would have not even step into trouble like how i eventually did.

i was reminded that what was not mine, will not be mine. but i was stubborn. i bite myself hard this time. i know that many will now turn and tell me, 'i told you so', but i knew all along, half expecting this to happen. but seriously, not so abruptly. there was practically no warning.

but anyway, i look at my handphone now and can't help but think that the days where it will constantly beep upon the recieving of a new message, is over. they days where i would drive that distants and risk being screwed by my dad, just to see that familiar face, is over. there's nothing left for me, but just the memories and the pain. and finally, the joke is on me, how funny right?

i didn't even know myself that i had actually fallen quite deep. i thought all along it's just a transition which i hardly took importance of. i didn't know that i actually felt and fell for it. how could i let myself do this, i wonder. pure stupidity. now it's all on me. maybe when i actually had taken the trouble to do the stuffs, i actually appreciated it a lot more afterwards.

it hurts to think that it's only me that is handling all the pain. how can i have not considered that this is totally one sided all along? maybe i knew it all along, but i choose to ignore that sick feeling. i know that i still have half of what i had once enjoyed, but is it the same?

i know you'll know what i'm talking about after reading this post, but i just want to tell uou that, i appreciate what we have had. i cherish all the things that we did together. and i miss us a lot. but after thinking back, maybe i would have made the same decisions again after all. i have no regrets. and the memories will haunt me for a long time more to come.