Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...

so christmas is around the corner... everyone is getting in the mood, everybody is busy buying presents, planning dinner parties, decorating their houses with bright lights and christmas trees. but why... why am i not in the mood for the celebration? i don't even know...

anyways i've always been a person who has a lot of wants... but i never have enough means to meet the wants. if i were in the mood i would have came out with a mile long christmas wish list, asking santa to bring me many many unnecessary material needs that i make myself want. things that would probably make me happy, be my anti-depressant for awhile. stuffs like:

1) a Play Station Portable
2) a good 3D Display card for my PC
3) a shopping spree, for free, at Rip Curl or Billabong
4) an iPod video
5) a holiday in any part of the world outside Malaysia
6) a w850i Sony Ericsson walkman phone
7) a whole new wardrobe
8) a big room filled with a life long supply of coffee

stuffs like that... but like you already know... u will not be satisfied even if santa give you the whole world but you do not have happiness. even a million dollars will run dry one day. so for this christmas, i do not want anything materialistic from santa. there's just a few things that i hope santa can bring me... things like:

1) i want santa to bring me someone to cuddle/hug/kiss... someone that i truely like and not make-believe like. someone who will share my dreams with me and not laugh at me, someone who is willing to take the leap of faith with me and not chicken out, someone who will laugh and cry with me and not just throwing so-called lover's talk at me, someone who i know will hold my back if i ever fall. someone i can finally call my true love. because i do not want to be hurting another person's feelings, i don't not want to hurt my own feelings anymore...

2) i want santa to give me courage and will power in life. so that i can repair my very torn and battered self esteem. so that i can, for once, not afraid to open up to people around me. so that i don't have to wear a mask everyday pretending that i'm happy. so that i can be proud of myself and not feel like a failure. so that i can leave up to my parent's expectations and not hurt them anymore. so that i can be brave to face the real world.

there's only this two things that i truly want...