Just when my wanted to rule out my own prediction of a Rainstorm of Tears and a Tsunami of Emotions, it happened at the very last moments of the season. It happened in a very big scale as well. Still feeling the aftershocks, and now my prediction is that it is still a long way to being announced as cleared.
It's not nice to feel threaten and being in an insecure position. it feels like i'm about to break down most of the time and the slightest trigger, to do with the root of the problem or not, will start my tears flowing. all day long there's a feeling like as if i'm about to collapse of a heart attack. and my imagination just doesn't stop. it's seriously horrible.
I believe it's karma and i'm feeling the effects now. it's cruel, it's cold. and i can't believe how really insensitive some people can be. i'm lost and confuse and really don't know who to trust anymore. and it's bad in the sense that this crap is really effecting my work performance. i'm demotivated to moptivate myself.
i miss the comfort and feeling of being at home a lot. home where i'm back in my safety bubble, protected. i miss the feeling of being hugged and kissed by Bie, another thing i'm afraid to run dry of. i miss being a baby to my Bie. i miss the anticipation while driving to meet Bie. i miss being cuddled and giggling to silly things (like the silly robot act). i miss the temple and work camp. i miss my mum especially as well as the rest of the family including my baby nephew which i haven't met. i miss being loved. i miss being ME.
i do hope that this shit in my life will pass by like a stranger walking on the sidewalks. i hope it'll be over and so that i will stop blaming myself. i hope to have a good night rest without worrisome in my head. and i hope the weekend will come fast.
You are the 1st thing on my mind in the morning,
And the last voice i want to hear before i fall asleep,
You are the completion to my life,
And the cure to all pain i go through,
You are my laughter and joy,
And saviour from tears,
Even if i were to choose again,
There's nothing that i would change,
I would do anything just to see the smile on your face,
Protecting you from sufferings and worriness,
I love you with all my heart, always.
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