Pedih... Sings My Heart...

I know my blog has been bring you negative thought about me lately. But I'm still finding room in my heart to sincerely forgive and move on. But what has happened lately was not easy for me (or anyone) to just forget. I know time will heal. And many of you want me to look forward too. I will, I promise. I Had heard this song by Awie awhile ago. Pedih is the title. It's the most suitable song for my situation. Go on and read it...

*****

Jelingan manismu
Your seductive glance

Yang mempesonakan
How mesmerizing it was

Membuatkan hatiku
Capturing my heart

Indah terasa
Filling it with joy

Mungkinkah kita
It would have meant

Akan merasakannya
That we would feel

Hidup berdua hingga
To grow old in each other's arms

Ke akhir hayatku
Till death do us part


Mata bertentang
Starring into each other

Hati pun berkata
My heart had the intuition

Engkaulah satu
Telling me that you are the one

Tiada duanya
There shall be no replacement

Hidup gembira
Life felt great

Mesra sentiasa
Thinking that we will always be happy

Akhirnya musnah jua
Never thought this would be the ending

Oleh orang ketiga
With the involvement of a third person


Adakah ini
Could it be that

Dugaan semata
It's just a lesson from above

Untuk aku pelajari
Would I learn from it?

Erti dewasa
Would it make me grow up?

Untuk terima
Learning to accept

Kehidupan tak selamanya
That nothing is permanent

Harus menjanjikan
The impermanence of promises

Bahagia
Of joy

Sungguh ku tak menyangka

I would never have thought

Tangan ku hulurkan

That the hands that I held out to you

Demi masa depanmu

To secure our future

Tergamak engkau

I never thought that you would

Mendustakan kau nodai

Had choosen to betray instead

Apa yang aku kesalkan

What had disappointed me most was

Kau tak menghargai

You never had appreciated

Cinta yang ku berikan

The love that I had given to you

Cinta yang tak berbelah bagi

The undivided love that I had given you

Cinta suci
It was pure love from the bottom of my heart

Jelingan manjamu

Your seductive glance

Yang mempesonakan

How mesmerising it was

Membuatkan hatiku

Capturing my heart

Indah terasa

Filling it with joy

Sehingga aku ketepikan

You had me forgetting the world

Segala

Surrendering everything to you

Engkau aku bagaikan

To me you are

Sebutir mutiara

Just like a rare pearl

I Bought Experience

Says Chun Li:

"Take it easy. Let people say what they want to say. It's beyond your control. People around you will judge and know who you really are. Take it as 'you had used your fortune to buy experience'"

Damn right bro... I learn. Shall learn to control my temper. Always thankful to have people like you in my life. Always keeping me saint.

I Found My Guts

How dare you ask me why did I just sit and watch things happen in front of me. I have tried so many ways, directly, and indirectly to tell you to stop, stop hurting me. Did you listen? Did you take the hint? Did you take the bait? You think I'm enjoying what's happening to us? You think I like it a lot to push you, to pressure you?

Think back on the things that you had done. Think back carefully. When I first asked you why you had to call China, you told me it was your ailing uncle that you were calling, telling me how concern you were about him. Month after month I watch your phone bill trend. Maybe I was too blind to see from the start. I even spent my birthday wailing in my bed because you say I was being unreasonable to comment on your sky high bills. You even said you love me less cause of it. It was my bloody birthday for heaven's sake. I was alone in Malaysia, my parents was in another continent all together. How dare you?

You had used threats on me to get your way. Saying how you would leave me if I did not follow your way. So many occasions. You say that you wanted me to lower my ego, testing me and pushing me to all edges of cliffs. You KNEW I struggled, you never stopped. I will always remember you saying "You do not do this, I will go and be with ...". I still choose to please you all the time. All the bloody time.

On our vacation, I came clean about invading your privacy and reading things that I was not suppose to read, your messages with her and all. I confronted you. You were so mad and denied it all. Saying it was just inocent friendships. You again threatened to leave me because you claim to not trust me anymore. I begged you. I didn't even want to think that you were in fault. I bloody confronted you, you denied. How dare you say I didn't try to stop you?

For 2 bloody months, I suffered. I cried to myself, having no one to turn to at all. I hinted you in so many ways that I knew the truth. You kept mum, you hid from me. You knew that all I wanted to hear was the truth from your own mouth. Did you ever spoken to me about it? You knew I wanted all the nonsense to stop. Did you? How dare you still question my love towards you? You knew I would have given you everything and more. You took advantage of it instead of appreciating.

I had spend a few days with you at your place during one of my breaks. You knew that I had all the strongest evidence about your affair. You still denied, telling me how sorry you were. Yet when you recieved mysterious phone calls you would walk away from me regardless of where we were, without taking a second look at me 1st. Your excuse: You felt uncomfortable to talk in front of me. You even left me in a dark place with 4 other guys who I'm not familiar with. When I expressed my discomfort and anger, you slapped me for being not understading and claim that I'm rude.

On April 30th, you told me you were going out with her and other friends. You last message on that evening was "Don't disturb me first, ttyl". That night, my best friend called me and told me how rude you were to be hugging and kissing another girl (with a tattoo across her shoulder blade). She was so angry with you because she said that not only you were being unfaithful, but you weren't even respecting her as my best friend. Putting up such a nice stage show for her to watch. Mind you, my own godbrother was in the presence as well~!!

All this while you made me feel so bloody insecure. So insecure. You knew that I'm not a girl with a lot of self confidence. You knew I was head over heels for you. You took full advantage of me. Runnind a steam roller all over my weak body. How dare you? How dare you say I did not try to stop things before it became worse? How dare you say all those about me? HOW DARE YOU??

How dare you act so innocent to others and let them speak that way about me? I do not owe you anything. You had pushed me to all edges before. How dare you even complain about what me to others? How dare you do all those to me in the first place? How dare you buster? How dare you...

=)

Both these faces soothes me the most in a day where everything doesn't seem right.

My Wynn on my hottest days~

My Skye within reach~

I have enough of lies

I have enough of hurt

I have enough of bitterness

I have enough of jealousy

I have enough of everything

Enough...

Just enough...

Pull Out the Dagger From My Back Please...

What do you get when you put 2 stupid people who are living in denial together? A lot of shit that splatters onto others, that's what~!!! Sheesh~!! Life's been a real turmoil the past few months. I really think I have mandi bunga or something. I miss home, I miss mum and dad, I miss Skye and miss my koko and jiejie... Now I really do learn that nothing beats the love from home.

People misunderstand other people all the time. But what's been thrown my way is really unfair. Really really unfair. I strive to not hurt others, they bite my ass back. All the time. I strive to safe other's pride and face. They tarnish mine. Life is unfair...

I just want to go home now and spend as much time at home with my baby Nephew. Only by looking at the peace in his eyes, I feel calm. Miss him so much. Sometimes I wish life was like his, so carefree, no worries, no one gets angry with him... It's so nice. I miss my mum's cooking, especially at times like this when I'm feeling so unwell.

If I could turn back time, I wish I hadn't been so insecure. I wish I would just wae up and this is all just a freaking nightmare. Though I'm thankful that it had happened, if not I would still be blinded. Bloody hell...

I should not be this bitter. I'm not this bitter in the 1st place. How? So many bad memories. So damn many... I want to move on, but it really is hunting me. Who do I have? I'm all alone. Because I have said it before, I brought it to myself, I have to face it myself. I know I have to be strong. Faith is all that I'm holding onto now.

My Sunshine

When I look at this little boy, I can't help but smile. He's my Sunshine. He lights up our day. Sometimes it feels so nice to be him, nothing to worry, seemed like nothing bothers him. When anyone of us looks at his pretty face, he just lights up the whole room.

We love you Momotaro~!!

Mistakes

When I was young, I remembered playing this game, Tetris. I'm sure many of you will remember this hand held device. This game, featuring blocks of diferent shapes falling from the top to the bottom, you job is to turn these blocks fitting them into proper places. Well being young, just 6 years old, envious of my older siblings and parents playing that game for hours. I tried too. But most often than not, my lack of experience and estimation, it will lead to my arrangement of mess, too many holes from improper arrangement then I will pause and scream "Dad can you help me repair this". Dad will always help me.

Mistakes we all do it. No one is perfect. We dive into something, we fall, we cry and tan we stand again. I have done so many mistakes. I thought I was in love. I had done so many things in the midst of that. So many things which most of the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I choose to be blinded. So many people tried to enlighten me. Tried to show me the flaws, I choose to not listen. I choose to believe only in one thing, which is myself and no other. Till now when it's finally too late, I regret for being this hard headed.

It feels like the silly Tetris game. I have tried to piece together a perfect relationship. Block after block I have arranged. The only thing I failed to notice we the holes which I failed to seal. The points that I would have earned for each complete rows, but I didn't see the gaps I had in fact created. I thought I was perfect. Silly me, playing a game os Tetris while blinded? In the end there are just way too many gaps. My creation is now a mess.

When I had messed up in that hand held gaming device, I scream for Dad. But for this time, I can't scream for no one. I know I'm the one who dug my own grave. I shall face it with an open heart now. There's no one to blame but myself. There's no helping hands, just my own two bare hands. There's nothing more than just a little self belief and esteem for me to pull through this ordeal. Only me, myself and I.

Mistakes... we all do it. I choose to fight this battle... I know I can.

I Stood Up

When I first met you,
You let me taste the sweetness of rice.

When I came back for more,
You promises me a field full of paddy.

When I had stayed on,
I helped you to plant more fields.

When we had plenty,
I did not realise you had shared them with other.

When I had put in more effort,
I did not notice you had stopped.

When I still continued,
Behind me, you had gone over the top.

When I finally stopped and looked back,
It was already too late.

When I saw that what's left for me is waste,
I remembered crying hard to myself.

When I stopped crying,
I knew I have to stand and clean up the mess.

When I started doing just that,
I have walked in a different direction from you.

When you realise I no longer had your back,
You begged for me to return.

When I looked at your pathetic face,
I know I want no turning back.