I Found My Guts

How dare you ask me why did I just sit and watch things happen in front of me. I have tried so many ways, directly, and indirectly to tell you to stop, stop hurting me. Did you listen? Did you take the hint? Did you take the bait? You think I'm enjoying what's happening to us? You think I like it a lot to push you, to pressure you?

Think back on the things that you had done. Think back carefully. When I first asked you why you had to call China, you told me it was your ailing uncle that you were calling, telling me how concern you were about him. Month after month I watch your phone bill trend. Maybe I was too blind to see from the start. I even spent my birthday wailing in my bed because you say I was being unreasonable to comment on your sky high bills. You even said you love me less cause of it. It was my bloody birthday for heaven's sake. I was alone in Malaysia, my parents was in another continent all together. How dare you?

You had used threats on me to get your way. Saying how you would leave me if I did not follow your way. So many occasions. You say that you wanted me to lower my ego, testing me and pushing me to all edges of cliffs. You KNEW I struggled, you never stopped. I will always remember you saying "You do not do this, I will go and be with ...". I still choose to please you all the time. All the bloody time.

On our vacation, I came clean about invading your privacy and reading things that I was not suppose to read, your messages with her and all. I confronted you. You were so mad and denied it all. Saying it was just inocent friendships. You again threatened to leave me because you claim to not trust me anymore. I begged you. I didn't even want to think that you were in fault. I bloody confronted you, you denied. How dare you say I didn't try to stop you?

For 2 bloody months, I suffered. I cried to myself, having no one to turn to at all. I hinted you in so many ways that I knew the truth. You kept mum, you hid from me. You knew that all I wanted to hear was the truth from your own mouth. Did you ever spoken to me about it? You knew I wanted all the nonsense to stop. Did you? How dare you still question my love towards you? You knew I would have given you everything and more. You took advantage of it instead of appreciating.

I had spend a few days with you at your place during one of my breaks. You knew that I had all the strongest evidence about your affair. You still denied, telling me how sorry you were. Yet when you recieved mysterious phone calls you would walk away from me regardless of where we were, without taking a second look at me 1st. Your excuse: You felt uncomfortable to talk in front of me. You even left me in a dark place with 4 other guys who I'm not familiar with. When I expressed my discomfort and anger, you slapped me for being not understading and claim that I'm rude.

On April 30th, you told me you were going out with her and other friends. You last message on that evening was "Don't disturb me first, ttyl". That night, my best friend called me and told me how rude you were to be hugging and kissing another girl (with a tattoo across her shoulder blade). She was so angry with you because she said that not only you were being unfaithful, but you weren't even respecting her as my best friend. Putting up such a nice stage show for her to watch. Mind you, my own godbrother was in the presence as well~!!

All this while you made me feel so bloody insecure. So insecure. You knew that I'm not a girl with a lot of self confidence. You knew I was head over heels for you. You took full advantage of me. Runnind a steam roller all over my weak body. How dare you? How dare you say I did not try to stop things before it became worse? How dare you say all those about me? HOW DARE YOU??

How dare you act so innocent to others and let them speak that way about me? I do not owe you anything. You had pushed me to all edges before. How dare you even complain about what me to others? How dare you do all those to me in the first place? How dare you buster? How dare you...