Welcome to My Life

No, the following song is not a love song. But it's the best song which describes my feelings at the moment. I know the literal mean to the song is nothing to do with what I'm facing, that's why I highlighted the parts which are relavent. Sorry again for being this emo right now. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, crying along the way.

*****

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Darts to Heart

I feel like giving up. I really feel like giving up. Honestly, gone are my motivations to correct things at this moment. Doesn't seem to have a point for me to do that anymore. It's like chasing my own tail somehow. Doesn't have a conclusion, at least the conclusion that I'm searching for.

I try to be strong, I really have tried. Still... doesn't seem right. It just doesn't seem right. The worse part of all, it's so difficult for me to take the next step for some reasons (I feel like Robin Hood somehow).

I don't know what I want, I don't know where I'm heading. It's like I'm standing at a cross junction of a dark highway, waiting for someone to hold my hand and guide me to righteous. The only problem is there's only 1 person's hand that I will hold.

I'm lost. Lost and have a very severe heartache. I don't know why am I puting myself through this. Sometimes I really feel that I have had enough of these crap. I really feel like letting go. Just want to do it the right way with no hard feelings.

It's like i'm stabbing my own heart over and over again. My tears are always ever ready to start a thunder storm. I don't know what to believe anymore. What I hear, what I see and what I believe are all contradicting. I really feel like putting a stop to all this shits.

I really need a shoulder to cry on now. I really need someone to hold me before i collapse and fall. I really need a ear, a listenning and understanding one to hear me out. Who's going to help me to be strong again?

I'm so sorry for being this emo lately. I can't help it. I don't wish for anyone to be in my shoes, it's the worse kind of punishment and nobody deserves it. I have tried to not think of the whole thing, but it's so darn difficult.

Sometimes I wish that I have not started this crap. How nice if time was reversible I will be back to being who I was couple of years back. I don't have to go through all this now. Maybe it's karma. Yes, I believe it's karma.

I'm really trying to be strong. I'm trying to accept things with an open heart. I believe I'm stronger than this. I believe things will surface when time comes. Right now I will start to practice letting all my bad feelings go.

Pray for me...

I Believe I Can Fly

Couple of days ago, my friends and I attended the Open House function organized by the Human Resources Department of Resorts World Berhad. There were many invited guests who performed for the crowd. One of them was the Genting Superstar winner, Jose Daniel A. Cruz from Phillipines. He sang so damn well. So nice. He was really good. One of the songs was R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly. It was so so so nice, I 'felt' the song. Now his voice and the song is automatically and repeatedly playing in my head. I'm so in love. It's so inspiring. Take note of the name alright, if he ciomes out with an album, make sure u grab it ok. He's really good, I'm not sure what the hell is he still wasting time being a croupier for Resorts World =P

*****

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
spread wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly


hey'Cos I believe in you
oh..............

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
spread wings and fly away
I believe i can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

If I just spread my wings (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
If I just spread my wings (I can fly)
I can fly...(i can fly,i can fly)
woo... i can fly
hmmmmm...fly, fly, fly

After All of It

I'm feeling better already. Thanks to all of you who took concerns. I really appreciate it. So so much. Great to have all of you in my life. You gave me an arm to hold on to when I was falling. Thanks everyone. I've been better but at least I don't feel as shitty as I did couple of days ago.

I'm on my journey to recovery. I have to find a way to regain my confidence. I don't want to be an emo piece of shit anymore or again. I have to pick up the pieces i lost and find my way back to being myself. I'm sorry to those who I've not been acting myself to lately.

I'm leaving all the shit I thought I was going through, behind me. I don't wan to think about it anymore since I can't do anything. I'll just leave everything to fate if that's what it takes. I know now that I'm not alone and I'll never be. =)

I have to gain my esteem and strength again. I can pull through this. I'm stronger than I think and I should know that. I hope you people can deal with me and be patient with me while I sort out my life. I hope things will be normal again.

I only have one thing to focus on now. I wish it was this time next week already, because then, it'll be an approximately 48 hours till I'm on my way to the airport and be on my way to Langkawi =) . On top of that, Bie will be here too. Missing him so much. Can't wait...

Help Me

help me pls. i dont know what to do. i cant rtnp doubting. i cant stop imaginating. though it hurts me so much and sometimes i cant stop the tears flowing. even with music blarring so loudly, it cant even shut my mind up. im stil tinking widely and far away. aching my own little heart. im wondering, if its so difficult to be with me, why waste time, right? but is it really more difficult to let me go? why?

Extended Version - Things That Will Never Be

I sat there on the bench of the crowded airport. I waited. I saw many happy faces appearing from the arrival gate. I waited. I thought of my emotions 2 months back, when I thought I had the master plan.

I put myself out at risk of losing everything dear to me. We sat and drew the blue print. We put it all together and make it a reality. Now the end of the plan was here, justice will be read. So I waited.

Like any given morning, I stepped out of my room, walking to work. I know the day will be different. The elevator was filled with work going people, there were mixtures of different scents from everyone. Just like my emotions at that moment, so mix up, so confused.

My hands trembled as I clicked on my mouse while placing my order for his plane ticket. Page 1, page 2, and finally, I confirmed the purchase. I picked up the phone receiver, dial speed dial number 5, "I've confirm your trip, Bie".

The price I have to pay for my past mistake. Return ticket to determine my destiny. Duty of mine to repent, to rectify the errors I have created. One trip, one trip which will speak my future. I have to be strong.

"Baby, it's my dream to do this, thanks for making it come true" he said with a kiss on my forehead. The comfort I felt, like cold drink on a hot summer's day, tingling down my throat, I shuddered. Smiling weakly while caressing the side of his face, "As long as I see that smile on your face, Love".

I needed to do this, I needed him to be sure of what he wanted. I had to let him go. They say if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours to keep. So off he went, my knees when weak, my strength all gone. Gone too were my confidence.

It was the longest two weeks ever. The slightest trigger would make me jump. I daydreamed. Sometimes even forgetting my task, my duty. I got worried, I was scared. I sat, I wondered, am I doing the right thing? What have I gotten myself into?

I kept myself busy. Tiring myself up, so that sleep came easily, so that I can get rid of the sickening feeling from my wild imaginations. I wondered, I was anxious. I kept myself from assuming. Yet I felt the cold sweats.

I thought back on the memories we had build together for as long as we were together. The laughter, the tears, the fights, everything. I felt a curve forming at the sides of my mouth. Sweet, just so sweet. But will it come back?

In spite of rejection from friends who objected us to be together, but we had stayed strong, we had came this far. Together we strived to prove everyone wrong. Like water, we adapted to each other. But one stupid move, I had ruined it. Now, will I have it again?

I'm scared, so scared to face what's coming soon. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if the promises will still be promises or will they be empty instead. I hate anticipations. I sat on the bench alone, hoping for the best.

I looked at that over head clock, 11.05pm. About time, I thought, I stood up, walked towards the arrival gate, as promised, I waited. I said I would be there. After 5pm, I rushed to the airport, to chase my love.

My heart was pounding, like Chinese drums for Lion Dance. My fear making me doubt. I needed reassurance and perhaps a hand to keep me from falling. My palms were cold, I wondered whether it was the air conditioning or from being nervous.

Streams of strangers walked through, I searched. Finally, I saw the familiar face. The one I dreamed about, the one I wanted to see so ever more. Tears started streaming down the sides of my face, what would it be for me now?

To be continued...

*******

A little bit addition to the story, to decrease the vague factor. Tell me what you think. ok?

Million Apologizes

I'm sorry for what I did. It's huge, it's unforgivable. I feel guilty, I feel bad I don't even know why did I do it in the 1st place. I really shouldn't have. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I really am. It was an act out of anger and confusion. Filled with unrealism and irrationallity. I really shouldn't have. I don't know what I could do to correct the situation. But I do hope we will get through it, get over it and move on. I truly am sorry. I love you... I hope you still feel the same. Tell me what I could do to repent myself.

Phantom of the Orange Gup

Yeeerrr.......... my blog got phantom~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It got automatically updated~!!!

it was cold the winter night

It was cold the winter night,
of the lion dan that crips the pace of freedom,
may passion and love from the scarecrow heart,
in the manner of joy and laughter...
a hundred miles seperate by moutain and cold air,
humid of the ocean and white wave caps...
of one made out of love another by the touch!

Things That Will Never Be

I sat there on the bench of the crowded airport. I waited. I saw many happy faces appearing from the arrival gate. I waited. I thought of my emotions 2 months back, when I thought I had the master plan.

I put myself out at risk of losing everything dear to me. We sat and drew the blue print. We put it all together and make it a reality. Now the end of the plan was here, justice will be read. So I waited.

"Baby, it's my dream to do this, thanks for making it come true" he said with a kiss on my forehead. I smiled weakly and caressed the side of his face, "As long as I see that smile on your face".

I needed to do this, I needed him to be sure of what he wanted. I had to let him go. They say if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours to keep. So off he went, my knees when weak, my strength all gone. Gone too were my confidence.

It was the longest two weeks ever. The slightest trigger would make me jump. I daydreamed. Sometimes even forgetting my task, my duty. I got worried, I was scared. I sat, I wondered, am I doing the right thing? What have I gotten myself into?

I kept myself busy. Tiring myself up, so that sleep came easily, so that I can get rid of the sickening feeling from my wild imaginations. I wondered, I was anxious. I kept myself from assumming. Yet I felt the cold sweats.

I thought back on the memories we had build together for as long as we were together. The laughter, the tears, the fights, everything. I felt a curve forming at the sides of my mouth. Sweet, just so sweet. But will it come back? Will I be having them again?

I'm scared, so scared to face what's coming soon. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if the promises will still be promises or will they be empty instead. I hate anticipations. I sat on the bench alone, hoping for the best.

I looked at that over head clock, 11.05pm. About time, I thought, I stood up, walked towards the arrival gate, as promised, I waited. I said I would be there. After 5pm, I rushed to the airport, to chase my love.

Streams of strangers walked through, I searched. Finally, I saw the familiar face. The one I dreamed about, the one I wanted to see so ever more. Tears started streaming down the sides of my face, what would it be for me now?

To be continued...

*****

Random writting. Just bored. It's a Sunday and I'm working. Tomorrow is a national pulic holiday, and I'll STILL be working. hahaha~!!! This is my life now. 2 more weeks on the dot till LANGKAWI~!!!!! Seriously it's a kill to wait. hahahaha~!!

Alright, I'm back to waork, for now.

Destiny's Child - Say My Name

Say my name
Say my name
If no one's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin' game

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

Any other day I would call you would say
Baby how's your day, but today it ain't the same
Every other word is a huh, yeah okay
Could it be that you are at the crib wit another lady
If you took it there first of all let me say
I am not the one to sit around and be played
So prove yourself to me and the other girl you're playin'
Why don't you say the things you said to me yesterday

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

What is up wit this tell the truth. who you with
How would you like it if I came over wit my clique
Don't try to change it now see you gotta bounce
When 2 seconds ago you said you just got in the house
It's so hard to believe you were home by yourself
When I just heard the voice the voice of someone else
Just this question why do you feel you gotta lie ?
I'm caught in your game and you cannot say my name

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

yay yay yay yay yay yeay yay yay yay yayayay oooh oooh oh

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

Thoughts

Memorable quote:-

"I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you *eeeeeeeeeeppppp* I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, one hundred billion times"

XD **LOL** XD

And I love you too...

*****

Best way to tell you how I'm feeling currently:-

Don’t think about an answer…just put the first thing that pops into your head down.

1. My ex is still:- an emo...

2. I am listening to:- Walkaway Vanessa Hudgens from HSM 3 OST... XD

3. Maybe I should:- stop thinking so much and live my life as it comes. Hopes always enhances the bad feelings if things don't go my way.

4. I love:- him, but I don't know if he feels the same especially right now... *sigh

5. I don’t understand:- why he's doing what he's doing to me when he knows he's hurting me tremendously...

6. I lost:- myself, my strength, my esteem and confidence lately...

7. People say:- many things about me~~ haha~!! Even those who loves or loved by me so dearly...

8. The meaning of my screen name is:- my name? Name in many form, my actual name in English and Chinese.

9. Love is:- is a mystery, is it just a word? Or does it suppose mean much more than that?

10. Somewhere, someone is:- thinking about someone and the person is obviously not be me...

11. I will always:- be living in the dark until someone is willing to let me out

12. Forever seems:- like a lie...

13. I will never ever want to:- put my whole self into anything anymore. I also don't want to try so hard anymore... I've been traumatised.

14. My cellphone is:- not mine but Jon's, mine are in Melaka in the hands of 2 different people.

15. When I wake up in the morning:- i head straight to the bathroom for a shower.

16. I get annoyed with:- everything that's bothering me now... I feel so weak, so so so weak...

17. Parties are:- so high school...

18. My pet(s) is(are): non existent...

19. Kisses are the best when:- they are given to you by the person who you really love affectionately for... and who loves you back the same way.

20. Today :- i'm feeling relatively weak... but some how not in a bad mood.

21. Tomorrow:- I hope will be a better day...

22. I really want: stop feeling this way and want August to come fast...

23. Really want to ask:- everything... I wan to know everything...
"
24.I could be:- happier, and I know it...

25.I'm not gonna:- bothered of what's going to happen in the coming future... I just want August to come fast so that all questions will be answered.

26.I think:- I'm stupid... I can't even decide on what to do...

27.A place i call:- Bie's cell... wishing that he was still on the line... my only security in any day...

28:Beer is always:- a best pal when you feel like shit...

29.Men are: indecisive and appear to be confused of what they want...

30.I feel at peace when:- I know the truth. So that I can decide on what to do...

Risau... Risau...

Boss not in office today, MC... again~~~ *Sigh of relieve...~~~*

Have been in a good mood the pass few days. I'm not suppose to feel this way, but somehow, oh well, I'm feeling fine... and somewhat, ok. Hahaha~!! Due to the fact that maybe I'm accepting things as how it is already, for now. Time will tell... There will be justice, I believe.

Sometimes I do wonder, am I too linient? Am I too soft hearted? Do I believe too easily? Haiz... maybe I am. Sometimes it feels like I'm chasing my own tail. Just simply can't get what I'm searching for. Sometimes, I make myself so blur, and feel so damn freaking down.

But now, I just plan to just not bother anymore. Let nature take it's course. Time will tell... time will tell. If things are meant to be, it's meant to be, I shall just sit back, wait and see. Do what I have promise to do, hope for the best, expect the worse.

Can't wait till the Langkawi trip... *WEEEEEE...* Another 15 more days to go. I want to go for body massage, laze on the beach reading a good novel, maybe take up some water sports, shopping, wasting no brainer time and eat eat eat~!!

Right now I'm just quite self concious about my pimply, scarry back tho. Damn it~!! Always like that. My body always let me down when I need it the most. When going for holiday, macam macam problem will come, period lar... sick lar... cough lar... pimples lar... gastric lar... macam macam. Haiyo... I just hope things will be better this round lar.

Missing Bie like shit... I don't know why. Think about him so god damn often. Only talking to him makes me feel better. Other than that, whole day hati tak senang, unless sleeping. Don't know why lar. Maybe it's because of the problems we are going through now~ haiz...

Just wish that days will pass faster. Like this two weeks to fly pass... and the next thing I know it's already August XD . Seriously anticipating August 2009 like never before. Arrrggghhh... damn fan ar now~!!!!!

*Smiles*

"Best thing about tonight, is that we're not fighting", that quote was running through my head during our conversation last night. The conversation was smooth and fun. We talked about our future plans and come up with blue prints of how do we go about with it. Finally I see the sunlight again. I hope it'll last longer this time.



Putting aside our egos, giving and taking at every level, maybe that's what it takes to solve differences. Is that what they call commitment? Or maybe tolerence? Is that what it takes for a longer lasting, loving and sincere relationship? Maybe it is. I'm still new at this. Thanks Bie, for accepting me and keep giving me chances to improve.



I'm about to do somethig crazy. Like of out the world and your minds kind of crazy. hehe... Can't wait. But before that I have a price to pay, and maybe suffer from the consequences after that too. But shall just wait and see what happens. Only time will tell.



I'm really happy today, finally things seem to be slightly better and coming my way =) . We are reaching our 1st destination soon. And many many more to come too... I'm counting down the days...

White Flag...

I should alreay know what I'm suppose to do right?

But why can't I do it?

It's really messing my head and every other parts inside of me.

What's holding me back?

Seriously... what's wrong with me?

Why can't I do it?

I really need some pointers.

Can't bare the pain anymore...

To you, with Love

We have been together for like... what... 8 months? Has it been that long? Really the fact has hardly sunk in. But yet I'm already facing so many challenges from you. I love you dearly, dun get me wrong on that. Love you so much that all I want to be giving you is nothing but the best and happiness only.

I'm sorry for how I've been reacting lately. Don't blame me after all the enthusiasm I have thrown in on us. I'm really not chasing to be walking down the aisle with you, that's really still a really long way down the road. But I really just want us to be like any other couples who can't get enough of each other.

I have done and given my best for us. I have let you be the man of this realtionship. To you, love is still a novel thing for me. But I'm learning and I know I'm taking too much time, but I'm trying, in spite of all the negative comments I have been recieving. I won't quite till I have proven to you that I can be the best.

The challenges you threw on me are really hard and hurting to accept. I have cried, I have mourned, I have even begged. All I want from you is your words of reassurance and maybe some truth on your part, if you are willing to share. I just don't want to be the last to know.

Just to tell you that I'm not a piece of meat, I'm not a toyy which you play as you wish. I'm made of flesh and bones and have feelings. And I'm just asking for you to make a simple life's decision to solve all heartaches.

To you, with love.