Welcoming Year 2010

Well, another year is coming to an end. Well, somehow I'm anticipating the new year more than ever. 2009 will be a year I never want to turn back to. Eventful year I must say... In a nutshell, let's recap on how it was for me throughout this year.

I have worked for Genting Highlands for 1 year and 3 months as of 31st of December. To all those who thought I would never make it this long, boooyah~

I've been a supportive and offensive girlfriend~

I have been the worse type of EX-girlfriend~

I have brought on the best as well as the worse type of memories to many~

I have the best roommate anyone could ask for~

I experience my first car accident~

Travelled in buses more times than I had in my entire life~

Hurt and been hurt to a point where I felt tears were no longer worth it~

Love and been loved by Bie~

Learnt the meaning of honesty, trust, forgiving and sharing~

Met people who are genuine as well as big time hypocrites~

Made the best as well as the worse decisions~

LEARNT TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF~

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In short, 2009 has been spent to the fullest. There are too damn many dark spots which still hurts just by the thought of it. People has misunderstood, misjudge and unbelievably lied to about me. But like the Buddha says, "Do not dwell in the past, Do not dream of the future, Be in the present". For all that's happen, I'm not looking back anymore. Let bygones be bygones, I'll just take it as one of life's lessons.

For all the hurt that I had brought upon, I hope I'm forgive. For all hopes and dreams that are left unfulfilled, may the new year bring upon more blessings. For everyone who has taught me more than I could ask for, may you be blessed and be showered with joy and wellness.

2009 was undoubtedly slow moving for me, maybe it's because I don't enjoy it at all. You can imagine how grateful I am to flip my calender and see 31st of December 2009 looking back at me. I wish someone will come and erase this silly glee I have on my face currently. Perhaps one day I will look back to this year and laugh to myself like it was a big joke.

May the new year be better *fingers crossed*. May it bring on more joy, more happiness, more love, and the best health. There will be a handful of things I will want to happen in 2010.

To correct all mistakes done in 2009

Save as much as I can for a brighter future

Explore new places

Be the best person I can be in everyone's life

Never again try to be in places I know I'll never belong

Believe more in myself

TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL~

By the looks of 2010, I know it'll be a good year, or at least better than how 2009 has been. Looking forward to it as I already have so many things to look forward to, like the Phuket Trip in March, The Sarawak Trip in July in conjunction of the International Rainforest Muscial Festival, and Siem Reap, Cambodia trip in October. Chinese New Year will be great because my brother will be back from Australia, it's going to be a complete family reunion after a very long time. I love Bie, and that's the most important. You may say whatever you want to say, but my advice is simple, don't judge things that you don't know fully. I have my reasons.

I wish all of you the best in everything you plan to do or want for yourself for the year 2010. May all of you be well and happy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WORLD~!!!!

Husky

oh my god... I can't get over the very cute Siberian Husky puppy which I saw in the Cheras Pet shop. She had that take me home look... Siberian Husky has always been one of my most favourite dog breeds. I have read a lot about them. Really wish that one day I will have a big house, with a big yard, then I can rear one myself.

Don't be fooled by the size and looks of a Husky, they really are just friendly and good with people. They really are not watchdogs. They are good with children. They are hyperactive and can be destructive if not given enough exercise. Well, Huskies are sled dogs at heart and in their soul.

I really want a Siberian Husky... I really want to own one in future. Currently I don't have enough time and space for one. I will make sure that one day I shall own one~!!

It used to hurt me a lot...

How surprising to look at it and smile with my friends today...

So much love around me today...

I can't stop smilling~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEONIE~!!!

God~ Act your Age~

You are so damn pathetic. So pathetic. When you had it, you don't know how to appreciate. You don't even know how to trust. Keep expecting the world to fall to your feet. Stupid~ Utterly sTuPiD~ So bloody cliche. Cliche. Doing a disappearing act? Don't you think it's childish? Act your age lar for haven't sake. Wake up, you are in the real world. You think you are a princess from a fairy tale?

Learn how to gain and keep people's trust on you 1st then only talk about you trusting others. Say something, do another thing, WTF~!!! If you love some one, try your best to keep the person by your side always. No need to DISAPPEAR and then meet secretly behind other's back. Pathetic~~ Cliche~~

Wake up lar babe... wake up~!! You want something you work for it. Not to create more hatred and anger on others lar. I know what are you going to say to this, you will be saying that I created Hell in people's lifes too? I know I did. And you clearly, unless you really are a pea brain, should already know the reasons why.

You don't know how to chase for something that you want. You want something than go for it. Fight for it. You expect people to work hard for you, but do you even stop and help? This is what people call 'The Attitude of Pretty People'. Learn to bow lower lar. Don't you feel lonely sitting so high up there? Hello~ the weather is nicer down here~~~

Learn lar please. Wake up. Be some one that's easier to love not some one that everyone love to hate. You want something go all out and get it, don't have to do it behind people's back. Don't be so patheticly living in your own self proclaimed fairy tale bubble. Can ar?

Beauty or Beast?

I 'own' my tiny little personal office for more than a year now. Time really flies eh? I'm getting so used to the life up here. It's lively and fun. Hey people~ Genting Malaysia really is a great start for all fresh grads. Planning to stay here a while longer to see if I can progress further and higher career wise.

*****

My point of blogging today is not about my job though. I was blog walking, as my normal morning routine, I came across one of my regular blogs talking about beauty. Well, I need some opinion people. Is beauty really that important? I have to admit that when it comes to the outter look topic, I can be a little sensitive about it.

See, since young I use to 'cuci mata' with beautiful people. Boys and girls alike. Well, don't get me wrong but i stare out of admiration, that's all. Wishing I was them, imagining if I had that kind of fortune. Well, I have been living in inferior to beauty. Starting of with a stunning older sister, the one who I had envied all my life. Then many many more mocking from friends during school time regarding my looks.

Well, I had always have very low self esteem on myself. In addition to that, I was lack of talent to make things better. But things chaged as I grow. I learn to accept the way I was born to look. Sometimes, I believe, if you are destine to have that in life, what can we do besides making the best of it, right?

Well, life goes on as it is. I really did build a life aside from my inner feelings. Things got better, or so I thought. Until very recently, I faced the biggest impact for the above matter. Because of beauty, I was betrayed. I had read emails from the love of my life (but not to me) stating things like 'you have the most mesmerizing looks of an angel' and 'you have such a pretty face I feel so lucly to have you'. Because of beauty I not only got abandoned but I also faced comments such as 'disgusting'.

But in the end, hey, look who has the last laugh. Not everyone is perfect. To find one with a complete perfection, it's close to a probability of one in a million. Most beauties have other black spots though not visible to the naked eyes. I have many proves from my own experiences. In the end is the inner beauty that wins all. People don't be fooled, all beauties will one day fate. Just as the saying goes, beauty is just skin deep.

Beauties will think that they deserve the world. That they should be given everything and more, all the attention, all the love, all the happiness, till sometimes they forget that the world does not revolve around them. I'm not stereotyping but those that I know of are like that. It really differs from those who works hard for their happiness and not just wait for it to drop to their feet.

Many people that I know of, many who has personalities (and bodies) to die for do not really parioritise looks. They focus more on someone who knows how to shower proper care and love. Someone who knows how to be a wife. Some one who wants to share every burden and pain. Some one who offers a hand to hold at times of difficulties. Someone who that would love to spoil because they deserve it. Not just some one who expects the tray to be layed to them all the time.

I just want everyone to know that beauty is just a minor in my view. If you are just a beauty but is ugly else where, what's the point? I know that beauty can get one quite far without a lot of effort but those who knows how to fight and work hard will get further and stay longer. Believe it. Don't take beauty too much too serious or important. I believe everyone deserves some happiness. Work for it. Even if you are beautiful, be a Beauty with Purpose, not just taking advantage of it.

Pedih... Sings My Heart...

I know my blog has been bring you negative thought about me lately. But I'm still finding room in my heart to sincerely forgive and move on. But what has happened lately was not easy for me (or anyone) to just forget. I know time will heal. And many of you want me to look forward too. I will, I promise. I Had heard this song by Awie awhile ago. Pedih is the title. It's the most suitable song for my situation. Go on and read it...

*****

Jelingan manismu
Your seductive glance

Yang mempesonakan
How mesmerizing it was

Membuatkan hatiku
Capturing my heart

Indah terasa
Filling it with joy

Mungkinkah kita
It would have meant

Akan merasakannya
That we would feel

Hidup berdua hingga
To grow old in each other's arms

Ke akhir hayatku
Till death do us part


Mata bertentang
Starring into each other

Hati pun berkata
My heart had the intuition

Engkaulah satu
Telling me that you are the one

Tiada duanya
There shall be no replacement

Hidup gembira
Life felt great

Mesra sentiasa
Thinking that we will always be happy

Akhirnya musnah jua
Never thought this would be the ending

Oleh orang ketiga
With the involvement of a third person


Adakah ini
Could it be that

Dugaan semata
It's just a lesson from above

Untuk aku pelajari
Would I learn from it?

Erti dewasa
Would it make me grow up?

Untuk terima
Learning to accept

Kehidupan tak selamanya
That nothing is permanent

Harus menjanjikan
The impermanence of promises

Bahagia
Of joy

Sungguh ku tak menyangka

I would never have thought

Tangan ku hulurkan

That the hands that I held out to you

Demi masa depanmu

To secure our future

Tergamak engkau

I never thought that you would

Mendustakan kau nodai

Had choosen to betray instead

Apa yang aku kesalkan

What had disappointed me most was

Kau tak menghargai

You never had appreciated

Cinta yang ku berikan

The love that I had given to you

Cinta yang tak berbelah bagi

The undivided love that I had given you

Cinta suci
It was pure love from the bottom of my heart

Jelingan manjamu

Your seductive glance

Yang mempesonakan

How mesmerising it was

Membuatkan hatiku

Capturing my heart

Indah terasa

Filling it with joy

Sehingga aku ketepikan

You had me forgetting the world

Segala

Surrendering everything to you

Engkau aku bagaikan

To me you are

Sebutir mutiara

Just like a rare pearl

I Bought Experience

Says Chun Li:

"Take it easy. Let people say what they want to say. It's beyond your control. People around you will judge and know who you really are. Take it as 'you had used your fortune to buy experience'"

Damn right bro... I learn. Shall learn to control my temper. Always thankful to have people like you in my life. Always keeping me saint.

I Found My Guts

How dare you ask me why did I just sit and watch things happen in front of me. I have tried so many ways, directly, and indirectly to tell you to stop, stop hurting me. Did you listen? Did you take the hint? Did you take the bait? You think I'm enjoying what's happening to us? You think I like it a lot to push you, to pressure you?

Think back on the things that you had done. Think back carefully. When I first asked you why you had to call China, you told me it was your ailing uncle that you were calling, telling me how concern you were about him. Month after month I watch your phone bill trend. Maybe I was too blind to see from the start. I even spent my birthday wailing in my bed because you say I was being unreasonable to comment on your sky high bills. You even said you love me less cause of it. It was my bloody birthday for heaven's sake. I was alone in Malaysia, my parents was in another continent all together. How dare you?

You had used threats on me to get your way. Saying how you would leave me if I did not follow your way. So many occasions. You say that you wanted me to lower my ego, testing me and pushing me to all edges of cliffs. You KNEW I struggled, you never stopped. I will always remember you saying "You do not do this, I will go and be with ...". I still choose to please you all the time. All the bloody time.

On our vacation, I came clean about invading your privacy and reading things that I was not suppose to read, your messages with her and all. I confronted you. You were so mad and denied it all. Saying it was just inocent friendships. You again threatened to leave me because you claim to not trust me anymore. I begged you. I didn't even want to think that you were in fault. I bloody confronted you, you denied. How dare you say I didn't try to stop you?

For 2 bloody months, I suffered. I cried to myself, having no one to turn to at all. I hinted you in so many ways that I knew the truth. You kept mum, you hid from me. You knew that all I wanted to hear was the truth from your own mouth. Did you ever spoken to me about it? You knew I wanted all the nonsense to stop. Did you? How dare you still question my love towards you? You knew I would have given you everything and more. You took advantage of it instead of appreciating.

I had spend a few days with you at your place during one of my breaks. You knew that I had all the strongest evidence about your affair. You still denied, telling me how sorry you were. Yet when you recieved mysterious phone calls you would walk away from me regardless of where we were, without taking a second look at me 1st. Your excuse: You felt uncomfortable to talk in front of me. You even left me in a dark place with 4 other guys who I'm not familiar with. When I expressed my discomfort and anger, you slapped me for being not understading and claim that I'm rude.

On April 30th, you told me you were going out with her and other friends. You last message on that evening was "Don't disturb me first, ttyl". That night, my best friend called me and told me how rude you were to be hugging and kissing another girl (with a tattoo across her shoulder blade). She was so angry with you because she said that not only you were being unfaithful, but you weren't even respecting her as my best friend. Putting up such a nice stage show for her to watch. Mind you, my own godbrother was in the presence as well~!!

All this while you made me feel so bloody insecure. So insecure. You knew that I'm not a girl with a lot of self confidence. You knew I was head over heels for you. You took full advantage of me. Runnind a steam roller all over my weak body. How dare you? How dare you say I did not try to stop things before it became worse? How dare you say all those about me? HOW DARE YOU??

How dare you act so innocent to others and let them speak that way about me? I do not owe you anything. You had pushed me to all edges before. How dare you even complain about what me to others? How dare you do all those to me in the first place? How dare you buster? How dare you...

=)

Both these faces soothes me the most in a day where everything doesn't seem right.

My Wynn on my hottest days~

My Skye within reach~

I have enough of lies

I have enough of hurt

I have enough of bitterness

I have enough of jealousy

I have enough of everything

Enough...

Just enough...

Pull Out the Dagger From My Back Please...

What do you get when you put 2 stupid people who are living in denial together? A lot of shit that splatters onto others, that's what~!!! Sheesh~!! Life's been a real turmoil the past few months. I really think I have mandi bunga or something. I miss home, I miss mum and dad, I miss Skye and miss my koko and jiejie... Now I really do learn that nothing beats the love from home.

People misunderstand other people all the time. But what's been thrown my way is really unfair. Really really unfair. I strive to not hurt others, they bite my ass back. All the time. I strive to safe other's pride and face. They tarnish mine. Life is unfair...

I just want to go home now and spend as much time at home with my baby Nephew. Only by looking at the peace in his eyes, I feel calm. Miss him so much. Sometimes I wish life was like his, so carefree, no worries, no one gets angry with him... It's so nice. I miss my mum's cooking, especially at times like this when I'm feeling so unwell.

If I could turn back time, I wish I hadn't been so insecure. I wish I would just wae up and this is all just a freaking nightmare. Though I'm thankful that it had happened, if not I would still be blinded. Bloody hell...

I should not be this bitter. I'm not this bitter in the 1st place. How? So many bad memories. So damn many... I want to move on, but it really is hunting me. Who do I have? I'm all alone. Because I have said it before, I brought it to myself, I have to face it myself. I know I have to be strong. Faith is all that I'm holding onto now.

My Sunshine

When I look at this little boy, I can't help but smile. He's my Sunshine. He lights up our day. Sometimes it feels so nice to be him, nothing to worry, seemed like nothing bothers him. When anyone of us looks at his pretty face, he just lights up the whole room.

We love you Momotaro~!!

Mistakes

When I was young, I remembered playing this game, Tetris. I'm sure many of you will remember this hand held device. This game, featuring blocks of diferent shapes falling from the top to the bottom, you job is to turn these blocks fitting them into proper places. Well being young, just 6 years old, envious of my older siblings and parents playing that game for hours. I tried too. But most often than not, my lack of experience and estimation, it will lead to my arrangement of mess, too many holes from improper arrangement then I will pause and scream "Dad can you help me repair this". Dad will always help me.

Mistakes we all do it. No one is perfect. We dive into something, we fall, we cry and tan we stand again. I have done so many mistakes. I thought I was in love. I had done so many things in the midst of that. So many things which most of the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I choose to be blinded. So many people tried to enlighten me. Tried to show me the flaws, I choose to not listen. I choose to believe only in one thing, which is myself and no other. Till now when it's finally too late, I regret for being this hard headed.

It feels like the silly Tetris game. I have tried to piece together a perfect relationship. Block after block I have arranged. The only thing I failed to notice we the holes which I failed to seal. The points that I would have earned for each complete rows, but I didn't see the gaps I had in fact created. I thought I was perfect. Silly me, playing a game os Tetris while blinded? In the end there are just way too many gaps. My creation is now a mess.

When I had messed up in that hand held gaming device, I scream for Dad. But for this time, I can't scream for no one. I know I'm the one who dug my own grave. I shall face it with an open heart now. There's no one to blame but myself. There's no helping hands, just my own two bare hands. There's nothing more than just a little self belief and esteem for me to pull through this ordeal. Only me, myself and I.

Mistakes... we all do it. I choose to fight this battle... I know I can.

I Stood Up

When I first met you,
You let me taste the sweetness of rice.

When I came back for more,
You promises me a field full of paddy.

When I had stayed on,
I helped you to plant more fields.

When we had plenty,
I did not realise you had shared them with other.

When I had put in more effort,
I did not notice you had stopped.

When I still continued,
Behind me, you had gone over the top.

When I finally stopped and looked back,
It was already too late.

When I saw that what's left for me is waste,
I remembered crying hard to myself.

When I stopped crying,
I knew I have to stand and clean up the mess.

When I started doing just that,
I have walked in a different direction from you.

When you realise I no longer had your back,
You begged for me to return.

When I looked at your pathetic face,
I know I want no turning back.

Hoist~~

Recently I have been enjoying watching cartoons early in the morning, while I got ready to go to work. I mean, cartoons are really a no brainer. I mean, they are easy watching, fun and funny. You will laugh, sometimes, I think they are better than orgasms. haha~

Well one favorite cartoon of mind is this animated series Miss Spider's Sunny Patch. It's about a family of bugs. Their brood consist of spiders, dragonfly, and lady bugs. This guy, Bounce, is my favorite character. he is so cute. I can roll on the floor laughing each time he comes on screen. His memorable "Hoist~... Hoist~... Hoist~", oh my god. so cute.

Thinking about him makes me laugh even when I'm alone. Anyways I will be back in Melaka for the next four days. Working has been fun and more productive lately and I'm getting more used to living and working here. Well, some people might think like wise but to me I'm happy for now. Enjoying my 1st pay increment (annual & upon confirmation).

Well really there are so many happier things in life to think about. Why do I have to dwell only on one part right? I have many more things to take care off. Namely myself and other commitments. Enough of thinking for others. If appreciation follows, I would not even mind, but when you have been betrayed, well, no more. Thanks.

Some people only feels a tinge of what I have felt. If that hurt, just imagine yourself being just half of me. You will know it hurts bloody much more. Well, I blame nobody, but myself, I brought it to myself didn't I? I'm facing the effects. Bad on you, Leo.

Enough for now, can't wait to meet the love of my life later in the evening. Man, I think about him every day~~ I miss him so damn much. Come let me share a glimpse of his hot body with you =)

Kye Kye eh~ ee ee sayang you oo...

Apparently there will be an event for him at Tesco Damansara for my handsome man. hehe~~ Watch out for him ladies~~

http://www.tesco.com.my/html/clubcard.aspx?ID=6&PID=356&Name=Baby%20Contest%20Winner&LID=1&Repost=True

What on Earth...

Some people are just so ignorant. So naive. So... I just can't say more. I have forgiven. I found something today which is suppose to hurt me. But somehow, I'm just not in the mood for anger anymore. I mean, what for, right?

Bloody hell have I been used to the maximum lately. I only know it now. But what the heck, like as if I don't know it already. I move on. I have to. At this point it's either I sink or I swim. I even have life savers, so many of them, around me. I shall just grab one right?

Why am I this blessed to have this shit up my ass in this life? Somehow I'm also thankful for it as I 'enjoy' it earlier rather than when everything is even more messed up and too late. I don't want to dwell into the past and rather just move on. But crap, does hurt just have to come again and again?

People ask me to look forward and I'm worth much more than this. I'm letting go bit by bit. Do I really want a guy who just knows how to cheat and lie to me? Do I really want to sacrifice my all for someone who just knows how to give his love somewhere else?

Move on Leo, you have to. Why am I still thinking about him? Maybe I really have put in too much, hoped for too much. But yet again, I'm really not the one at the losing end though. Enough is enough. Right now I'm just here to give what I can afford. Not to buy friendship, not to buy attention, no more.

Pointers from The Kois...

is it difficult to love? or is it more difficult to let go? why do they make it look so easy to just break up and leave on TV, but in reality it is this complicated? Why cant it really be like what we see, a tub of ice cream, sobbing to romantic classics and the next day you are back on your feet, looking far forward and ahead. But in reality it's so far from that.

God, the past 2 months is like a roller coaster of life. Total madness. Sometimes I do wish that I would wake up and it's all just a bloody nightmare. But bite after bite, scratch after scratch, I'm still sitting here in total torture. Mind draining... exhausting... like an epitome of heart, soul and life crushing. And yet... still here I'm sitting with a face covered with dried up tears and head full of bitterness.

So many things have happened. I think I have grown more mature and I'm stronger now. I will not sit and let myself be a push over anymore. I have learnt to stand on my feet for once. Why would I want to give pride and name to others while all they do is step all over me right? Yes, I have succeeded giving fame and power to him. Loads of it in fact, till he thought that he had achieve them himself. Joke's on you, buster.

So now I won't let it happen again. Let whoever your current victim is to enjoy what I went through. No I'm not angry, I realise I should not be anymore. It's true that no matter what, he will always own a portion of my heart. But I have no idea how much more patience I have left. Will can't believe that it took so much to unleash the dark side of me.

As much as it sounds like an ego talk, but there's only one of me. And if he doesn't know how to appreciate it, someone else soon will. I'll just take it as it's not my lost. He has put me through the worse heartache or should I say heart break? It'll take time to heal. I will look at my favorite models the kois... determine to achieve success and fearless when faced with failure. I'm strong.

Is it that difficult to let go? Is it quite as difficult to establish a new routine in life? How come it seem easy to some people yet some take forever? Or is many people just living in disguise. I know some people who are very happy wearing masks and leading a two face life to fool more than one person at a time. I do wonder who's the fool at the end of the day actually.

It doesn't take much to learn the truth really. I enjoy doing it. Now a days I'm definitely more straight forward on saying what I favor and what I despise. One bitten twice shy? Well, it doesn't really apply in this matter. I had been bitten many times, I choose to forgive. But a repeatation... no way now.

Oh well, there are some apologises which I owe and many more I'm waiting from. But oh well, living in this world now, times change and people change. Especially from people who thinks they got it all and deserves the best, oh well, I do not expect much then. But on my part, I'm truly sorry to have created chaos. It would not be so if some people knew a little bit of humanity. But the situation made me do it. Just sorry...

Well, job's going well so far. Better in fact. It's getting more comfortable to live up here. i feel more 'important' to my section too. Tasks are getting heavier and there are more responsibilities. But it's feeling better already. Sorry that I have not been keeping in touch with many people dear to me lately. I do hope there will be a meet up soon. Love always...

Elijah Skye Falcon

He is Elijah Skye Falcon a.k.a Kye Kye

He is my favorite Man, my baby nephew

He loves balloons but love us much more...

He really is a charmer...

Man, I think he's growing up to be more of a heart breaker each day~

We love you Skye~~

We are all so proud of you for winning the CUTEST BABY contest organized by Tesco~~

After Some Time

What is love? The question that I have asked so many times. It's been almost a year since have joined the rat race. It's been a turmoil for my life. So many things changed, so many things happen. I don't know where to say for the better or for the worse. I guess it had changed me in so many ways. I learn...

I want to just not look back and forgive. Not keep talking about the past. Learn from mistakes and not dwell on them. But why is it so damn difficult, why does it still hurt me this much? Life really have been easier if you're asking me. But many parts of me still feel that pinch. Many I dived in too deep. Did too much. Maybe even a large part of me had expected too much.

I'm sorry to those I have hurt lately from my emotional swings and bad temper. I searching for myself again. I'm picking up the pieces and trying to live happier and stronger. I will try to not feel too cheated or betrayed. I will try to accept things. On the oter hand, I really hope other parties involved will understand and stay strong too.

I have got myself into deep shit. Too deep that I'm struggling myself. But sometimes it feels that I'm struggling alone. I know I had gotten myself into this and should solve it myself. In time i will heal... In time I will once again pick up the broken and find the lost pieces.

My sincere apologies to those involved... truly...

Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry

Everybody needs a little time away,
I heard her say, from eachother.
Even lovers need a holiday,
far away, from each other.

Hold me now.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry.
I just want you to stay.
After all that we've been through.
I will make it up to you, I promise you. ( baby)
And after all that's been said and done.
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away,
Not for a day, from your body. ( not even a day)
Wouldn't want to be swept away, (away)
far away, from the one that I love.

Hold me now.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry.
I just want you to know. (you to no)
Hold me now.
I really want to tell you I'm sorry.
I could never've let you go.

After all that we've been through.
I will make it up to you.
I promise you.
And after all that's been said and done.
You're just a part of me I can't let go. ( i cant let go)

After all that we've been through.
I will make it up to.
I promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.

When we get there gonna jump in the air.
No one sees us cause there's nobody there.
After all you know we really don't care.
Hold on, I was gonna take you away.

*****

I hope it's not too late... I really miss you. I'm sorry for how I've been lately... my temper, my threats... my emotions... I miss you, I really do. I'm sorry for being difficult... I don't know what to do to prove how bad and horible I feel lately, but I just really need a sign from you...

Done and Over With

Qoute of the month:-

"She looks like a girl who will be happy as long as she gets it~"

XD ~ =) ~ XD

******

Please excuse my craziness. haha~!! Can't help it. Just got back from my blissful break for the month of June. Have not been spending that much time at home or with the family in a long time. Mum and dad seem to be so happy that after so long the whole family was at home together. The family meals, the celebration and the baby to cheer up the whole.

Spent all of the days at home. Did not go out at all. Something new, awkward and strange feelings, but enjoyable in all sense. The past years were spend driving miles to spend time with another family. The family which I'm so ashamed to meet anymore. But I will always cherished the times and moments. Well, I wish them joy and happiness from now.

Well I have cheered up quite a lot, sort of like recharged my internal battery. So much unconditionakl love from home and all around me. Made me think, why should I be dwelling in the past when there's so much to look forward to. Yes, I have lost a lot from my own mistakes, but I know and I will rebuild them all again.

I have decided that I will no longer be making my own life difficult or live in misery. Why should I seem so pathetic and put myself as low as some people. Why should I be that angry or hurt when those feelings only come from one side? People are enjoying themselves on the other side, me pathetically 'begging' for the love. Bodoh sial... So I decided, no need anymore. Don't have to disgrace myself or put myself that low anymore.

Well at least I know that I have tried hard enough. I have to in fact thank some certain parties for freeing me from the burden and suffering. I hope you will do a better job than me. I hope the situation treats you better too. Well, for your infomation, I found out that I has cheated at the VERY early stages of things. I choose to be blinded *drives head against wall*. But it's the past and over now.

Well, at least I taste my own medicines now, the karma has bitten my ass. At least it's MY ass, and won't be brought forward to my future XD. Thanks to all my favorite people in my life. Thanks for standing by me. Thanks for holding me. I know how hard headed I can be. My stubborness sometimes overule. but it's because of all of you that I stand again. It's because of all the love and support that I stop crying.

I have learnt. I won't be that kind hearted anymore. Well, my past had ruined me in a way. I had given my all and it'll take time to recollect everything. I have to learn to be a bit more selfish. Till then...

Spring - Romantis

Bagaimana
Harus kita meneruskan
Percintaan yang terluka
Masa dulu

Andainya kau sendirian
Dan kau masih lagi mencariku
Di sini aku menanti mu

Kenangi saat indah kau dan aku
Waktu itu hidup kita romantisnya
Kita pun berlari-lari mengejar ombak
Di pantai kasih
Akhirnya aku kau tinggalkan

Sejarah cintaku yang lalu oh...
Hanyalah ujian bagimu
Seandainya kau perlukan aku
Ku masih ada di sini
Seandainya aku tiada lagi
Simpanlah cintaku
Di dadamu oh... sayang

( 1 )
Cuba kau ingat kembali
Masa lalu
Kasihku teguh buatmu
Walaupun terluka namun ku bersabar
Dan masih menyayangi

Andainya kau ada yang lain
Waktu ini
Apalah dayaku lagi
Terpaksalah aku membawa diriku
Dan hanya Tuhan saja yang mengerti

( ulang dari 1 )

Kalau aku mengelamun sendirian
Berderai airmata di pipiku
Kerana terlalu pilunya hatiku
Kau pergi dariku tanpa pesan
Di sudut hatiku yang terluka ini
Terpahat namamu Kaulah kekasih


************************

Bie, thanks for the memories of us. Life goes on I realise that. I'm tying to be strong, I hope you do to. Appreciate what's in front of you now. I realise that we can never be like before anymore. Sorry for all the recent dramas, the shirt, the slaps, everything. At anytime you need a shoulder to cry on or a pillar of support, the above dedication is to let you know that you are and will always be someone special in my life. My best wishes to you...

-Your ex-Bie.

The Forbidden Kingdom of Gups

bloody hell please please please stop throwing your anger on me~!!!!! You fight your own battle please~!!!!! Just because you can't win that war doesn't mean you have to bloody pee on my warriors graves. You had won the war between your kingdom and mine. Go back to your homeland and fight your other brotherhood war don't bloody get me involved in your new blood spill~!!!!!

bloody hell you... *uses stick and pokes you repeatedly* ....

I owe you nothing idiot. Go back to where you belong. You already have everything you wanted. Go enjoy it and leave me alone. Let me pout and throw my tantrums in peace, thank you. Save your bloody anger for the war you are fighting. I bloody already surrendered my ego, gave you the white flag, surrendered my weapons. You have won~!!

When once our lands were at peace, you burn my villages one by one, claiming it was for the good. Out of anger I attacked your castle. You then destroyed my whole land. Now I have nothing. And I'm trying to rebuild my kingdom. You still have all your man and your riches. Go and enjoy them. You had conquered another land too. Go and enlarge your kingdom further and leave me alone please~!!!!!!

You had gained so much from my kingdom
You even shared them with other kingdoms
You once left my people toiling for your own riches
In return you left my land in flames
Now you pee on my warriors graves too
You had even given our joined national anthem to another kingdom

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME~!!!!! Can't you go build your bloody kingdom somewhere far far away from mine now~!! At least give me the time to rebuild my army and give my villages better lives first. Maybe by then we can have another battle alright?

To You

I'm sorry that I threw my temper that way. I'm sorry that you had to hear and witness it. I'm sorry if it hurt you. But who are you to judge me? You should know how I feel. Have you had someone you loved so dearly and would even die for if you really had to, walk away from you like you meant nothing? I bet you had not. Your pretty face shows so much ego, so much pride, so much like you think you deserve the world and nothing bad. You have never felt it being someone like me!!

Who are you to ask me what's my problem when you already should know. You have won, enjoy your trophy. At least I know heaven still have a place for me. I know I did the same mistake as you in the past, but i repent. I bloody repent. I took the responsibility and took care of him. Repair the mistake and damage I had done. Took care of him like a mother would to a child, like a sister would to her blood brother, and especially like Juliet would to Romeo. What did you give him? Nothing. You walked away. How heartless and cold you are.

You already know where you stand in his life. The place that I had strive for 2 years. You got there without effort. Do you know how to appreciate it? So what if he did mistakes, can't you even give him the chance to prove that he can change? I had let him go. And I let him go because of you. Do you have to leave too? It kills me to see what's he going through now. It hurts me, because I know I would never have done it if I were in your position. 2 years I strive, he had not a moment of hunger, not a moment of loneliness. You ruin it. Thanks.

Think about all that I had said thoroughly. Sorry if it was too crude, sorry if it's too straight forward. You pay for the price of your actions. You choose this path. You face the consequences. I did not leave till you made your grand entrance. You won the crown. Make a concrete decision please. Why do you let things be this messy and still want to keep things hanging? Enjoy your prize or move on. You told me to wake up. I'm telling you to grow up.

Everytime

Everytime I thought I miss you,
I wonder if you ever did miss me,
It brings hurt to me.

Everytime I thought I longed for your touch,
I think of you caressing her,
It brings tears to me.

Everytime I thought of calling you,
My conscience says no, cause you do not want to call me,
I found strength from it.

Everytime I felt guilty,
I thought of all the lies and cheats you had thrown my way,
I pick up my pride from there.

Everytime I felt like running back to you,
I picture you running into the arms of her,
I learn to stand my ground.

Everytime I longed for your sweet words,
I knew you gave them to not 1 or 2 but probably even 8 others,
I woke up.

Everytime I thought I was not good enough,
I thought further and knew I had given in my best,
It built my confidence.

Everytime I felt like falling,
I thought of you having such a great time without me,
I stood back up.

Everytime I felt that I was weak,
I thought back on times where you hit me at my lowest point,
I realise I was already stronger.

Everytime I felt lost or empty,
I realise I was not the one at the losing end,
I became the bigger person.

Everytime I felt like crying,
I realise it was no longer your comfort i was craving,
I know I will get over you~

So Much For My Happy Ending

My heart is shattered, walking on the way to meet you, knowing that things are different now. My chest felt empty, my eyes swollen from the recent thunder storm. But I told myself that I have to be strong. So many mixed feelings and thoughts in my head. Part of me just wanted to destroy you, part of me filled with hatred, part of me told me to forgive somehow.

I walked, finding myself, picking up the missing pieces. I knew one day the wound in my heart will heal, the emptiness perhaps will one day be filled again. I had given my best and my worst. if this is the life's lesson that I had to learn, i will take it in whole. Let it be the end of an old chapter and a new one shall begin.

The situation now saddens me much. Hate what's happening to us. I would do anything to get a time turner so that non of these nonsense would be happening. Before this we cried, we screamed, we begged, we plead, we laughed, all just to fall back into each others' arms. Now the fact is sinking in, I will not be having those moments back.

You have loved again. It kills me to see you with someone else. But I'll keep strong. Masking my pain, holding back the tears. I will try not to let you see through me, see the suffering I'm going through. I do understand that part of us will always belong to each other. Nothing stops me from reminiscing about our memories.

Sometimes I really do feel like giving up on everything to start new. But you are someone so special in my life that I wish not to forget. I know we can get through this hard time. We can help each other through this. I also know that things will not be the same anymore. But we hold each other as 2 buddies, maybe even as siblings.

I do hope you keep our memories together safe in your heart. Truth to be told we had build a lot together. But yup, it's all ruin now. Anyway, thanks so much for the memories. You had given me life's biggest lesson. We grew up together. Gone are the promises, but maybe you will be better of without me. Gone are the efforts, but at least we know we have tried.

Thanks for being there for me all these while. Thanks for giving me the chance to love and to be loved by you. Thanks too for opening my eyes and learn. Thank you for everything. Time will heal. I believe...

I Will Always Love You

If I
Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go
But I know
I'll think of you every step of
the way

And I...
Will always
Love you, oohh
Will always
Love you
You
My darling you
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet
Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you
You need

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
You, ooh

I hope
life treats you kind
And I hope
you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you

I, I will always love
You....
You
Darling I love you
I'll always
I'll always
Love
You..
Oooh
Ooohhh

******************

Loving you had been my life's best experience. You had brought me many types of memories good, great, sad, anger, disappointment, joy, love, happiness, commitments. So many things we had gone through. We sit and reminiscent, so many things that can make us smile, even make us irritated, make us cry and even bringing the missing feelings back. It's a difficult time for us both now. But I hope your life will shine again pretty soon. This experience will make us both grow up, we learn. Thanks for the memories, Bie. I will always love you.

Little Spice...

Man... it has been more then a month since I had last updated my blog. oh well... just didn't want to bore you guys with my endless rants about my seem-to-be-getting-no-where relationship problems. Well, just for the record, things are getting more straight forward now. We are trying to mantain the no-hanky-panky realtionship now.

I've been really busy (finally...) with my work at Resorts World Berhad now. Things are getting more and more hectic and more task are being thrown on me now (finally... x2). I've been stuck to this sickening chair for hours in a day because I'm the only executive left in my section. Eugene left in April and Stella left a month ago. Now I'm alone.

Bie had started his work up here too. So proud of him to finally get on his feet and starting his life and pursue his dreams. It'll take time but it all has to start somewhere 1st. He has been busy lately, getting many many praises along the way from his bosses and colleagues. I hope he sees his own talents and capabilities. So nice to see each other everyday, going to work and for meals everyday.

Well, at least with him up here, it saves us a lot of exposure to phone radiations and stupid little tiffs just to prove to each other who cares for who more. Now that we are in front of each other everyday, we can at least settle things face to face.

Yes, of cause we had done mistakes. Some minor, some major. But we choose to forgive each other. Which makes me wonder, is it real love? That questions keep playing like a bad record in my head. What does it take to love someone? Acceptance? Love? Trust? Commitment? Forgiveness? Till what extend would you accept a person in your life? The fact is, I had pushed the limit. But he's still here. It's time to repent...

I'm ranting to release some tension from work. it's so mind draining. I'm feeling lethargic, and restless. My eyes feel dry and sore from all the squinting and and continuous staring. But still I have to go back to it soon. I'm missing home and my baby nephew so much. But the next time I'll be home will only be in a month's time. Counting down the days... as always... :)

Skye during Wesak, man of my life~

Pain Pain

weird... i slept well last night. really well... but my head is throbbing now. really pain. wuwuwu... could it be because of the continuous working days for almost a month now? or could it be all the mindless confusions and problems I'm going through now? Or am i letting my brains work too much? man...

I cant even open my eyes without squinting... damn it... ouccchhh...

A - Z Taggie =P

Taggie from Shirlyn~!! Just to release strss from work for a moment...

*****

A. Attached or single? Can I say I'm on the fence? Sometimes I think I'm attached... but most of the time I'm single, lonely all alone on the mountain... =)

B. Best friend? I have so many great friends in life and I'm grateful... =)

C. Cake or pie? Yum... sucker for both most of the time. Cause there are times when I feel like sugar, other times i want savoury

D. Day of choice? Erm... Wednesday... cause that's when the rest of the week just 'flies' pass...

E. Essential item? Handphone, camera, cc... =)

F. Favorite color? Bright and sunny shades... pastel shades too... (comment from roomie: your clothes are like baby clothes =) ... )

G. Gummy bears or worms? Erm... I don't quite eat candies or sweet... upbringing... hehe. Bie does, tho...

H. Hometown? Breed, rised, studied, havoced in Melaka... Migrated to the mountains last year...

I. Favorite indulgence? coffee... tom yum... kerepek... hahaha~!!

J. January or July? July... no reason... just love time to pass fast, it's like a life's accomplishment as days pass, and you wake up in the morning finding that you are still alive, healthy and building memories and experiences.

K. Kids? Love to have them, someday... in the meantime, I'll enjoy my nephews (Wynn-Wynn and Kye-Kye) 1st...

L. Life isn't complete without? Vacations and free flow cash~!!! Ok fine, more realistically... erm... movies and music? *ppppfff* lame...

M. Marriage date? better not go that far... sometimes it's better to dodge the bullet to avoid disappointment...

N. Number of magazine subscriptions? I don't... I buy magazines, bring it home, leave it on the table and they stay on the table... for a long long time... so why bother?

O. Oranges or apples? Me no eat fruits... =P

P. Phobias? High ceilings in an enclosed area... cockroaches... stress... failure... ewww...

Q. Quotes? I don't have any catch phrases?

R. Reasons to smile? to make another person smile with you...

S. Season of choice? autumn... the wind is cool... the weather is not too hot/cold...

T. Tag 5 people. Stephanie, Yong Hwee, May Pin, Shi En, Su Ling...

U. Unknown fact about me? I don't like fishballs... hahahahaha~!!!

V. Vegetable? Anything green and cooked~!! hahaha~!!

W. Worst habit? Untidiness and disorganized...

X. X-ray or ultrasound? X-ray on my lung, heart, and teeth, Ultrasound on my stomach, and I do mean STOMACH.

Y. Your favorite foods? Sepedas yang boleh... yum... =P

Z. Zodiac sign? Libra =)

Welcome to My Life

No, the following song is not a love song. But it's the best song which describes my feelings at the moment. I know the literal mean to the song is nothing to do with what I'm facing, that's why I highlighted the parts which are relavent. Sorry again for being this emo right now. I'm trying to pick up the pieces, crying along the way.

*****

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Darts to Heart

I feel like giving up. I really feel like giving up. Honestly, gone are my motivations to correct things at this moment. Doesn't seem to have a point for me to do that anymore. It's like chasing my own tail somehow. Doesn't have a conclusion, at least the conclusion that I'm searching for.

I try to be strong, I really have tried. Still... doesn't seem right. It just doesn't seem right. The worse part of all, it's so difficult for me to take the next step for some reasons (I feel like Robin Hood somehow).

I don't know what I want, I don't know where I'm heading. It's like I'm standing at a cross junction of a dark highway, waiting for someone to hold my hand and guide me to righteous. The only problem is there's only 1 person's hand that I will hold.

I'm lost. Lost and have a very severe heartache. I don't know why am I puting myself through this. Sometimes I really feel that I have had enough of these crap. I really feel like letting go. Just want to do it the right way with no hard feelings.

It's like i'm stabbing my own heart over and over again. My tears are always ever ready to start a thunder storm. I don't know what to believe anymore. What I hear, what I see and what I believe are all contradicting. I really feel like putting a stop to all this shits.

I really need a shoulder to cry on now. I really need someone to hold me before i collapse and fall. I really need a ear, a listenning and understanding one to hear me out. Who's going to help me to be strong again?

I'm so sorry for being this emo lately. I can't help it. I don't wish for anyone to be in my shoes, it's the worse kind of punishment and nobody deserves it. I have tried to not think of the whole thing, but it's so darn difficult.

Sometimes I wish that I have not started this crap. How nice if time was reversible I will be back to being who I was couple of years back. I don't have to go through all this now. Maybe it's karma. Yes, I believe it's karma.

I'm really trying to be strong. I'm trying to accept things with an open heart. I believe I'm stronger than this. I believe things will surface when time comes. Right now I will start to practice letting all my bad feelings go.

Pray for me...

I Believe I Can Fly

Couple of days ago, my friends and I attended the Open House function organized by the Human Resources Department of Resorts World Berhad. There were many invited guests who performed for the crowd. One of them was the Genting Superstar winner, Jose Daniel A. Cruz from Phillipines. He sang so damn well. So nice. He was really good. One of the songs was R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly. It was so so so nice, I 'felt' the song. Now his voice and the song is automatically and repeatedly playing in my head. I'm so in love. It's so inspiring. Take note of the name alright, if he ciomes out with an album, make sure u grab it ok. He's really good, I'm not sure what the hell is he still wasting time being a croupier for Resorts World =P

*****

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
spread wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly


hey'Cos I believe in you
oh..............

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

(Chorus)
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
spread wings and fly away
I believe i can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

If I just spread my wings (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
I can fly (I can fly)
If I just spread my wings (I can fly)
I can fly...(i can fly,i can fly)
woo... i can fly
hmmmmm...fly, fly, fly

After All of It

I'm feeling better already. Thanks to all of you who took concerns. I really appreciate it. So so much. Great to have all of you in my life. You gave me an arm to hold on to when I was falling. Thanks everyone. I've been better but at least I don't feel as shitty as I did couple of days ago.

I'm on my journey to recovery. I have to find a way to regain my confidence. I don't want to be an emo piece of shit anymore or again. I have to pick up the pieces i lost and find my way back to being myself. I'm sorry to those who I've not been acting myself to lately.

I'm leaving all the shit I thought I was going through, behind me. I don't wan to think about it anymore since I can't do anything. I'll just leave everything to fate if that's what it takes. I know now that I'm not alone and I'll never be. =)

I have to gain my esteem and strength again. I can pull through this. I'm stronger than I think and I should know that. I hope you people can deal with me and be patient with me while I sort out my life. I hope things will be normal again.

I only have one thing to focus on now. I wish it was this time next week already, because then, it'll be an approximately 48 hours till I'm on my way to the airport and be on my way to Langkawi =) . On top of that, Bie will be here too. Missing him so much. Can't wait...

Help Me

help me pls. i dont know what to do. i cant rtnp doubting. i cant stop imaginating. though it hurts me so much and sometimes i cant stop the tears flowing. even with music blarring so loudly, it cant even shut my mind up. im stil tinking widely and far away. aching my own little heart. im wondering, if its so difficult to be with me, why waste time, right? but is it really more difficult to let me go? why?

Extended Version - Things That Will Never Be

I sat there on the bench of the crowded airport. I waited. I saw many happy faces appearing from the arrival gate. I waited. I thought of my emotions 2 months back, when I thought I had the master plan.

I put myself out at risk of losing everything dear to me. We sat and drew the blue print. We put it all together and make it a reality. Now the end of the plan was here, justice will be read. So I waited.

Like any given morning, I stepped out of my room, walking to work. I know the day will be different. The elevator was filled with work going people, there were mixtures of different scents from everyone. Just like my emotions at that moment, so mix up, so confused.

My hands trembled as I clicked on my mouse while placing my order for his plane ticket. Page 1, page 2, and finally, I confirmed the purchase. I picked up the phone receiver, dial speed dial number 5, "I've confirm your trip, Bie".

The price I have to pay for my past mistake. Return ticket to determine my destiny. Duty of mine to repent, to rectify the errors I have created. One trip, one trip which will speak my future. I have to be strong.

"Baby, it's my dream to do this, thanks for making it come true" he said with a kiss on my forehead. The comfort I felt, like cold drink on a hot summer's day, tingling down my throat, I shuddered. Smiling weakly while caressing the side of his face, "As long as I see that smile on your face, Love".

I needed to do this, I needed him to be sure of what he wanted. I had to let him go. They say if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours to keep. So off he went, my knees when weak, my strength all gone. Gone too were my confidence.

It was the longest two weeks ever. The slightest trigger would make me jump. I daydreamed. Sometimes even forgetting my task, my duty. I got worried, I was scared. I sat, I wondered, am I doing the right thing? What have I gotten myself into?

I kept myself busy. Tiring myself up, so that sleep came easily, so that I can get rid of the sickening feeling from my wild imaginations. I wondered, I was anxious. I kept myself from assuming. Yet I felt the cold sweats.

I thought back on the memories we had build together for as long as we were together. The laughter, the tears, the fights, everything. I felt a curve forming at the sides of my mouth. Sweet, just so sweet. But will it come back?

In spite of rejection from friends who objected us to be together, but we had stayed strong, we had came this far. Together we strived to prove everyone wrong. Like water, we adapted to each other. But one stupid move, I had ruined it. Now, will I have it again?

I'm scared, so scared to face what's coming soon. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if the promises will still be promises or will they be empty instead. I hate anticipations. I sat on the bench alone, hoping for the best.

I looked at that over head clock, 11.05pm. About time, I thought, I stood up, walked towards the arrival gate, as promised, I waited. I said I would be there. After 5pm, I rushed to the airport, to chase my love.

My heart was pounding, like Chinese drums for Lion Dance. My fear making me doubt. I needed reassurance and perhaps a hand to keep me from falling. My palms were cold, I wondered whether it was the air conditioning or from being nervous.

Streams of strangers walked through, I searched. Finally, I saw the familiar face. The one I dreamed about, the one I wanted to see so ever more. Tears started streaming down the sides of my face, what would it be for me now?

To be continued...

*******

A little bit addition to the story, to decrease the vague factor. Tell me what you think. ok?

Million Apologizes

I'm sorry for what I did. It's huge, it's unforgivable. I feel guilty, I feel bad I don't even know why did I do it in the 1st place. I really shouldn't have. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I really am. It was an act out of anger and confusion. Filled with unrealism and irrationallity. I really shouldn't have. I don't know what I could do to correct the situation. But I do hope we will get through it, get over it and move on. I truly am sorry. I love you... I hope you still feel the same. Tell me what I could do to repent myself.

Phantom of the Orange Gup

Yeeerrr.......... my blog got phantom~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It got automatically updated~!!!

it was cold the winter night

It was cold the winter night,
of the lion dan that crips the pace of freedom,
may passion and love from the scarecrow heart,
in the manner of joy and laughter...
a hundred miles seperate by moutain and cold air,
humid of the ocean and white wave caps...
of one made out of love another by the touch!

Things That Will Never Be

I sat there on the bench of the crowded airport. I waited. I saw many happy faces appearing from the arrival gate. I waited. I thought of my emotions 2 months back, when I thought I had the master plan.

I put myself out at risk of losing everything dear to me. We sat and drew the blue print. We put it all together and make it a reality. Now the end of the plan was here, justice will be read. So I waited.

"Baby, it's my dream to do this, thanks for making it come true" he said with a kiss on my forehead. I smiled weakly and caressed the side of his face, "As long as I see that smile on your face".

I needed to do this, I needed him to be sure of what he wanted. I had to let him go. They say if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it's yours to keep. So off he went, my knees when weak, my strength all gone. Gone too were my confidence.

It was the longest two weeks ever. The slightest trigger would make me jump. I daydreamed. Sometimes even forgetting my task, my duty. I got worried, I was scared. I sat, I wondered, am I doing the right thing? What have I gotten myself into?

I kept myself busy. Tiring myself up, so that sleep came easily, so that I can get rid of the sickening feeling from my wild imaginations. I wondered, I was anxious. I kept myself from assumming. Yet I felt the cold sweats.

I thought back on the memories we had build together for as long as we were together. The laughter, the tears, the fights, everything. I felt a curve forming at the sides of my mouth. Sweet, just so sweet. But will it come back? Will I be having them again?

I'm scared, so scared to face what's coming soon. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if the promises will still be promises or will they be empty instead. I hate anticipations. I sat on the bench alone, hoping for the best.

I looked at that over head clock, 11.05pm. About time, I thought, I stood up, walked towards the arrival gate, as promised, I waited. I said I would be there. After 5pm, I rushed to the airport, to chase my love.

Streams of strangers walked through, I searched. Finally, I saw the familiar face. The one I dreamed about, the one I wanted to see so ever more. Tears started streaming down the sides of my face, what would it be for me now?

To be continued...

*****

Random writting. Just bored. It's a Sunday and I'm working. Tomorrow is a national pulic holiday, and I'll STILL be working. hahaha~!!! This is my life now. 2 more weeks on the dot till LANGKAWI~!!!!! Seriously it's a kill to wait. hahahaha~!!

Alright, I'm back to waork, for now.

Destiny's Child - Say My Name

Say my name
Say my name
If no one's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin' game

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

Any other day I would call you would say
Baby how's your day, but today it ain't the same
Every other word is a huh, yeah okay
Could it be that you are at the crib wit another lady
If you took it there first of all let me say
I am not the one to sit around and be played
So prove yourself to me and the other girl you're playin'
Why don't you say the things you said to me yesterday

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

What is up wit this tell the truth. who you with
How would you like it if I came over wit my clique
Don't try to change it now see you gotta bounce
When 2 seconds ago you said you just got in the house
It's so hard to believe you were home by yourself
When I just heard the voice the voice of someone else
Just this question why do you feel you gotta lie ?
I'm caught in your game and you cannot say my name

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

yay yay yay yay yay yeay yay yay yay yayayay oooh oooh oh

I know you sayin' I'm assuming things
(Somethings goin down that's the way it seems)
Shouldn't be a reason why you're acting strange
(No one's holding you back from me)
Cause I know how you usually do
(When you sayin' everything to me times 2)
Why can't you just tell the truth
(If someone's there tell me who)

Say my name
Say my name
You acting kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Why the sudden change

Say my name
Say my name
If noone's around you say baby I love you
If you ain't runnin game
Say my name
Say my name
You actin kind of shady
Ain't callin me baby
Betta say my name

Thoughts

Memorable quote:-

"I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you *eeeeeeeeeeppppp* I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, one hundred billion times"

XD **LOL** XD

And I love you too...

*****

Best way to tell you how I'm feeling currently:-

Don’t think about an answer…just put the first thing that pops into your head down.

1. My ex is still:- an emo...

2. I am listening to:- Walkaway Vanessa Hudgens from HSM 3 OST... XD

3. Maybe I should:- stop thinking so much and live my life as it comes. Hopes always enhances the bad feelings if things don't go my way.

4. I love:- him, but I don't know if he feels the same especially right now... *sigh

5. I don’t understand:- why he's doing what he's doing to me when he knows he's hurting me tremendously...

6. I lost:- myself, my strength, my esteem and confidence lately...

7. People say:- many things about me~~ haha~!! Even those who loves or loved by me so dearly...

8. The meaning of my screen name is:- my name? Name in many form, my actual name in English and Chinese.

9. Love is:- is a mystery, is it just a word? Or does it suppose mean much more than that?

10. Somewhere, someone is:- thinking about someone and the person is obviously not be me...

11. I will always:- be living in the dark until someone is willing to let me out

12. Forever seems:- like a lie...

13. I will never ever want to:- put my whole self into anything anymore. I also don't want to try so hard anymore... I've been traumatised.

14. My cellphone is:- not mine but Jon's, mine are in Melaka in the hands of 2 different people.

15. When I wake up in the morning:- i head straight to the bathroom for a shower.

16. I get annoyed with:- everything that's bothering me now... I feel so weak, so so so weak...

17. Parties are:- so high school...

18. My pet(s) is(are): non existent...

19. Kisses are the best when:- they are given to you by the person who you really love affectionately for... and who loves you back the same way.

20. Today :- i'm feeling relatively weak... but some how not in a bad mood.

21. Tomorrow:- I hope will be a better day...

22. I really want: stop feeling this way and want August to come fast...

23. Really want to ask:- everything... I wan to know everything...
"
24.I could be:- happier, and I know it...

25.I'm not gonna:- bothered of what's going to happen in the coming future... I just want August to come fast so that all questions will be answered.

26.I think:- I'm stupid... I can't even decide on what to do...

27.A place i call:- Bie's cell... wishing that he was still on the line... my only security in any day...

28:Beer is always:- a best pal when you feel like shit...

29.Men are: indecisive and appear to be confused of what they want...

30.I feel at peace when:- I know the truth. So that I can decide on what to do...